(Editor's Note: This is a
true story, written in stages by the
 Let me start by telling you that my husband and I have been married for nineteen years, seventeen when Jessica Brianna came into our lives. Jessica is adopted and an only child. We lost one child and I couldn't have another. So when this couple called to say she was pregnant and they could not care for another child, we jumped at the chance. We waited the nine months in fear that they would change their minds, but they didn't. I was there when Jessica made her arrival into this world. I dried her off and carried her out to see her father. We looked at her perfect little face and thanked God. Then the nightmare began. They started telling us about her problems. We had her transferred to a children's hospital in Memphis, Tennessee. There they discovered that she had multiple chromosome abnormalities. Needless to say we were heartbroken. This was a child we had waited a lifetime for. Her biological grandmother offered to take her if we changed our minds, but that was one thought that never occurred to us. This was our child, we had loved her before she was born, nothing they told us could change that. Our main thought was how could we help her at that time. At first we were angry at God. He made us wait so long for Jessica, then to do this was unthinkable. Once again we looked at our precious gift with tears in our eyes. And again we thanked God, for we had never asked Him for a perfect child. We had just asked for one to love, and that is what He gave us. We denied everything they told us. Our daughter would be just like all the other children, but it slowly sunk in. Our Jessica was handicapped, the word that all parents are afraid to hear. But once you face it, it's not something to be afraid of. You learn to deal with it and go on to the next step. So what if she cannot walk and do all the things we want her to be able to do. That doesn't make her any less of a human. There are other things she can give to the world. We can learn a lot from children like Jessica if we just take the time to listen and understand. She is now two years old and at a six month's stage. We don't count things in days and months, ours is minutes and seconds. When she sits up it is only for fifteen seconds at a time. To some, this may not seem like much. But to us it is a step in the right direction. She goes through spells where she will not eat. So we had to have a feeding tube put into her stomach. That was one of the worst moments in my life, it felt like I was giving up. Sometimes we have to do what our brain tells us is best, but it tears you apart inside. I wish I could tell you that there is a book to tell you what to do as each crisis comes along, but there isn't. When she's hurting and looks at me, I just want to pick her up, run, and never stop. Sometimes I think that neither one of us can take anymore. Then Jessica smiles and her little face lights up and I know that every tear I cry and every time my heart aches it is worth it just to see that look. You don't give up, you keep on going. So what if your miracle didn't happen today, there is tomorrow or the next day. You never give up hope, because if you do, then there's nothing left. So we take each day as it comes and when we go to bed at night we say "What has Jessica done today to be thankful for?" It doesn't have to be something big. Just a hand clap, a laugh or reaching out to you. Or just maybe she ate today without a fight. These are little things that add up to big ones. I won't pretend to know what God's reason is, I'm sure there is one. I do know Jessica has taught us a lot and showed us what true love is. Because no matter how many times I hold her while she is being stuck by a doctor or nurse, she still forgives me. She takes it all like it's a part of everyday life. But I know it can be better, that is what hurts, just to know I let them do all the tests, surgeries, and the countless IV's to her. Even though I know it hurt them to do it and it was for her own good. I will be the first to admit it has not been a bed of roses. We are in the hospital as much as we are at home. As a matter of fact, my husband went so far as to ask her doctor for child support since he sees her more. But thanks to the love and care of Dr. Jimmy Beasley (who went beyond being just a doctor), his wife, staff and the staff of Covington Baptist Hospital, we have come a long way. I realize we still have a long way to go and I'll cry a thousand more tears. But with the love and support of our families and friends, especially my best friend Berta, who has stuck with us from the start, I know in my heart that we will get to where we are going. If God took us back to Nov.2, 1988, and told us we could remember everything and change our minds, we wouldn't! If we could afford to adopt another handicapped child, we would. Because of seeing and feeling first hand all the love they are capable of giving, if only allowed. Sometimes when I look at Jessica my eyes fill with tears of happiness from all the love and joy she has given us. We had an empty void in our lives before Jessica came along, she has filled it to overflowing. We thank God every night for our precious gift that has filled our world with so much love. I cannot emphasize the word love enough, because that is all it takes. It doesn't take a special or a strong person, because God knows we're not either one of those. Since I wrote Jessica's story, a lot has happened. Jessica has no IGA in her immune system, the C4 in her complimentary system does not work, and her B cells have to be stimulated. We have had a porta-cath put in her left thigh, so there is no more being stuck for IV's. We get to stay at home more, anywhere from week up to a month. Even with 24 hour feedings, constant IV, oxygen, and giving medicine every two hours, it is better at home. At home we can make our lives as normal as possible. We can betogether as a family, surround ourselves with each other's love and be strong enough to face the next day. We have learned to take it one day at a time. I have no idea what God has in store for Jessica. I do know He gave her to us for a reason. We have almost lost her twice, but she is a fighter. So with prayers, love and a good doctor, she pulled through. I'm a firm believer that He will not take her from us until we know and understand that reason. Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I'm afraid that she may need me and I won't be there. There isn't much I can do to help her, but I can love her with all my heart and soul. There is so much love contained in that one little body. If everyone in this world had just a small portion of it, then there would be no more wars, crime, or fighting between each other. People would live each day to the fullest. They would realize that no man has the right to take away something as precious as a life. I thank God every day for Jessica. If sometimes I get too involved with the tasks of every day living, I know He understands and can still feel it coming from my heart. I know the chances of Jessica ever being well are one in a million. But I believe in miracles, because we have seen a few. So as long as there is life there is still time and hope for a miracle. I used to think, "What have we done for God to punish us or to take it out on a child as sweet as Jessica?" But I've come to realize through the help of friends that He is not punishing us. That instead, He has given us such a great gift and trusted us with a life more rewarding than most. He has given us the gift of love, joy, and happiness all packaged into one tiny little person.She has given us so much in these two years. Not only to her father and myself, but anyone that comes into contact with her. I receive so much strength and willpower from her. Sometimes I think, " this is it, I cannot go on." Then, I watch her pull through a bad spell with such amazing willpower to live and I receive the strength from her to keep on fighting. There has never been any words written and I don't think I can write any to describe the expressions I read on her face. The way her eyes light up when she hears her father's voice, the way she makes me laugh when I'm feeling down. The way she laughs at Dr. Beasley even though she knows he may have to hurt her. The look on her face when she hears the voices of different nurses, because she knows some she'll get to pull their glasses off or pull their hair. Or when Pam has not been there for a few days, how she ignores her for staying away too long. The way the love pours from her body, like the wind blowing through the trees. The way her eyes shine like the sun breaking through a cloudy day. I have so much to thank God for. So when people look at us and say "I'm sorry." I know in my heart they mean well, but I just want to tell them, "We don't want your sympathy, we will take all the love and understanding you can give." But as far as sorry, we have nothing to be sorry for. Even during the bad spells when all I can do is cry, we still have no regrets of adopting her. Because most of the tears I cry are tears of helplessness. Tears of pain from seeing her hurt and not being able to do more to help her. Then there are the tears of joy when I look into those trusting eyes or when she smiles and reaches to me. But as far as regrets, we have none. How can a person regret knowing the love of a child? The only regret I have is that I could not give birth to her. The only reason I have to feel sorry is there was nothing I could do to prevent any of this. If I could make people just accept her as her own person, not something to be pitied. To see that there is something that she can contribute to this world. If it is nothing except that you keep fighting, that you believe in yourself and there is such a thing as miracles. When you fall down, you just pick yourself up and keep on going. If people would just give children like Jessica a chance. A chance to live, love and give what they can back to this world. Everyone has a right to love and special children have so much love to give in return. September 30,1991, we were back in the hospital again. This time we were lucky it was only for two weeks. Our Jessica breezed through like the trooper she had always been. We got out just in time to get her wheelchair on October 15th. If I could describe the look on her face as she sat in it to be pushed, her little eyes would light up like a thousand stars in the sky. I just wished we had gotten it for her sooner. On October 20th, Jessica started running a 103 degree temperature. We worked and got it down. Then October 21, we went back to see Dr. Beasley. Back in the hospital, she had a staff infection around her porta-cath. So we went back to the IV's. On October 29th, the old porta-cath was removed and a new one put in. Jessica only woke up for a little while that evening. The days after that she just slept, like she was resting for some important event. We went ahead and planned her birthday party. I made her outfit and started decorating the room. Early in the morning on November 2, I can't remember the exact time, I laid beside her to sleep. When I awoke 30 or 45 minutes later our angel had gone to heaven. When she had just turned two and we knew she would not live forever, I remember telling someone she would be alive to see her next birthday. She fought for us to do just that. We could not ask for better care from Dr. Beasley and the staff at Baptist Hospital in Covington. But it was by God's wish and Jessica's willpower that she lived that long. At least she died with grace and dignity. I wish I had the same grace, dignity and will power to let her go. The ending to Jessica's Story is a very sad one for the people left behind who knew and loved her. But for Jessica, it is a very happy one. We always called her our little angel and now she can use her wings and fly free. She will feel no more pain, she'll run and play and talk like the rest of the children. She will not have to be poked, stuck or cut on anymore. She'll be able to breath free, So when we cry, we won't be crying for our little Angel, but for us. We will miss all the love and joy she has brought into our lives in the short time she was here. She smiled with that trusting smile and brought light into our dreary lives. I'm not pretending it is going to be easy, because letting go is going to be one of the hardest things we have ever done. Not a day will go by that she will not be loved or thought about. But we must let go, not for our sakes but for hers. Now she is with God, and we need to let her rest because she was so tired. Let her look down at us and see that we remember her with love, joy and tenderness. If she has showed us anything, it's that what little time we have on earth and we need to make it count. To share the love we have for each other. And when times get rough, keep on fighting. You will try until there is no more strength to go on and you trust in God. So Jessica, our final farewell to you is to let you know how much we love you, our little Angel. Fly free and wild and enjoy what you have now. Because you are in better hands now than we could ever give you on earth. We'll miss you and always love you!!!
Afterthought As the road ahead seems rugged
Then when no one cared if I lived or died,
"Lean on Me when you have now strength
to stand.
© Brenda Bowman 1997
-- All Rights Reserved
Editor's Note: If you would
like to do something in memory
Friends of Forgotten Children
If you would like to contact Jessica's
mother, send E-Mail.
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